the number game; on facing the birthday

23.

what else can we do with the birthday?

unlike any other celebration, a birthday is always left me a bitter-sweet feeling. the discomfort and unfamiliarity that comes with moving into unknown parts of life

John Mayer eloquently conveyed the fear of getting older through his song

“So scared of getting older, i’m only good at being young”

when i was young, life was a perfectly straight line. everything remained in place.

i used to celebrate the day when the numbers turned. it was exciting knowing i could grow older, the taste of ‘maturing’, broader vision of how the world really works and stuffs. it’s the celebration to add the numbers on your life, but never how we lose count of the days we approaching the death.

everything starts to changed when i stepped on my 20

a year passed by and nothing much happened. i began to acknowledge that some part in life has changed and it is fine to state. It’s alright that we missed out on a chance and killed a dream.

a year passed by and i feel like i’m losing time. some fresh-grads job vacant i am no longer able to sign up and witness close ones that start achieving their milestones in life, both their career and love life.

a year passed by and i started my not-so-RUN journey and reach my very first 5K within 1 hour. LOLZ.

a year passed by and i opened up my vulnerability to one i hoped would speak the same language as mine, despite the shortcomings, I'll cherish the time and moment we had.

a year passed by and finally, i started to flourish the love i had for myself.

the desperation on how time flies in a blink of time had pushed me to feel as much as i could in this long run, i may be lost, fallen, raised, cry, or in pain but in the end life is all about to feel. life is not only black and white; as i’ve become older, i’ve discovered a wider range of emotion and experience.

after all, this is not just a celebration of the number game. It's the celebration of every moment, things, we failed and success to face, to bury all the painful and emotional baggage and re-birth again.

in the end, this day remarks as the day to celebrate that i haven’t died in the last year and these past 23 years of life are still worth living.