Re-visiting Places We Won’t Walk
Iwould never believe the moment I could comfortably watch you for hours working on your screen and sipping my iced latte across in the most crowded place in South, in which I could get my nerves by only thinking about it.
It was minutes before midnight when we had the conversation glued in your favorite seafood place and driving down to the south when you gave a brief description of every place and road we passed. While watching how passionately you were talking about the future you planned for the next 5 years ahead, and began to acknowledge me by sharing some fascinating historical facts because you are a history fanatic.
It was relieving to validate the emotions I once ignored by mirroring your past stories, telling life-lesson, what do and don'ts during your twenties since you had walked through it.
I couldn’t recall the moment when the thought of you first began to take root in the places it had previously abandoned, or where I enthusiastically wait for your breakfast meal picture those mornings, talking about how many meetings you had to attend during the day and you were away after office hours slumbered, reaching me right after, or when I constantly threw jokes on how awful Liverpool game last night.
I feel it among white roses and aster wrapped with black cellophane paper as I completed a grueling thesis defense day and in a bento box you sent me when I suffered from feverish cold. For a moment, the talk goes deeper as it kills time to hear each other mind’s. The beginning part of the tale was so bright that it could burn the rest and I was blinded by it. Listening used to be part of my game but you stole it away. I lost count of the number of times I pleaded to hear your story since you always refused it with some jokes right after.
I should’ve known there would be no place for me when you said, “I feel like I’ve known you for ages.”
Or the fact I didn’t anticipate that you just lose the battle from your game that spent almost a decade of your life, and naively thought I could fulfill the emptiness it left on you.
— -
As months passed, I began to projected us as a blur and frigid. A vivid shadow. Full of dead stars and broken debris. The petals of the flowers you gave start falling. The spaces getting deeper as the phone didn’t recognize your last messages anymore. Simple things we used to talk slowly fade away and no longer hold a feels. It just, gets too quite a bit too fast.
After all, it was only me, lighting up the sparks between us. Constantly orbiting you. The fact that no matter how hard I tried, you were out of reach, always and I was helpless slapped me.
Other than living up what if’s in my mind, I chose to build the closure and kill the ‘us’ in us.
— —
In the end, it was all not big enough to be anything, yet they hold meaning.
For everything, and anything that happened, it was giving me a warmth feeling reminiscing the good old days we had. Or perhaps I was looking for love all along, but turns out I was looking for feeling safe, secure, and accepted.
Just like they said, “Every other pair of lines meets once and then drifts apart forever”.
So by the end of this, I stopped living the idea of us being two lines parallel and left the uncertainty of us.
